Weight Loss Journal - 2008 - 2010
Day One
July 22, 2008 - 9:14AM
Susan called this morning. Disappointingly, Dr. Gluck (oncologist) saw right through her carefully crafted disguise of oversized Umbro shorts, sports bra and giant t-shirt. (We both frequently don the "just about to work out when you interrupted me and got me off track" look. Don't judge us.)
Back to Dr. Gluck (Sherlock Holmes). He asked her if she felt 100%. No. He asked her if she exercised. No, but as I'm sure you can see, I was just about to begin a fitness regimen until I remembered I had to come here this morning and interrupt my plans... He told her that the first time he met her, he could tell that she was an athlete, but now.....
Preposterous! I've just spent a week at the lake with Susan in our bathing suits and I can tell you for a fact that she still looks like an athlete. No doubt. Very athletic. Intimidatingly so. Pretty much. Except for MAYBE the teensy little bit of a situation where her buttocks make her flowery-billowy skirt rise up in the back and make her look a TAD like she may tip over into the lake PLUNK! while she fishes. But other than that, lean and mean. Pure athlete.
I explained to her that I think Dr. Gluck might need glasses. I told her that she's a hot mama. I argued to her that just because Dr. Gluck (blind man) says she needs to lose weight doesn't mean she REALLY needs to lose weight - I bet he says that to everyone to amuse himself in a sadistic kind of way. She wouldn't listen to me though, and she's decided to go drastic on us. Shocker.
Susan's got a new mission. Her next appointment with Dr. Gluck (guilt-inducer) is in six months. Six months! She can do this. Her goal is to whip herself into shape, waltz into his office wearing her work-out gear and shock him speechless with her awesome athletic body. She will be a specimen. She will be the patient he points out to all his cancer patients and says, "THIS is what you want to be. Athletic. Vibrant. Susan-Like."
We spent the next thirty minutes discussing the options. (Of course, I played the role of the expert since I think I know pretty much everything, including the meaning of life.) I cozied up with a bagel and tried not to let the 2-inch-high cream cheese mountain topple off onto my lap as I listened.
As I mumbled through my mouthful of cream cheese and bagel about the benefits of good nutrition, something started to occur to me. Perhaps I should wash this bite down with coffee so she can hear me preach about how she should eat something healthy every morning. She kept yakkety-yakkin' while I drug my lazy butt off the couch and to my kitchen to throw another gush of French-Vanilla-Flavored-Creamer-Type-Hydrogenated-Oil-Based-product into my mug.
Then it hit me! Wham! Just like that! And I'd forgotten all about it!! I'm a fat-ass too!!!! Ain't that somethin'? Wooo Hoooo! Susan and Mary are in this together! I LOVE to share problems with Susan - whether it's our addiction to French-Vanilla-Flavored-Creamer-Type-Hydrogenated-Oil-Based-products or our sedentary lifestyle, it's nice to share. United by our friendship and our undying love of all things cream-cheese-based, we will forge ahead and we will show the world we mean business!!
So. What now? We need to have a meeting. Today. Before our resolve dissipates. She’ll head right over and we’ll figure it all out. Make a plan. Start a blog. Support each other. She’s on her way! One quick stop at the post office and she’ll be here.
11:09AM
Holy crap. She just called. Y’all aren’t gonna believe this. Susan's goin' postal, people. Literally. She is raisin’ HELL at the postal workers. She is DEMANDING they rent her a post office box. They are resisting her efforts, but she is not backing down. It’s just like with our weight loss plan. We are TOUGH. We’ve been dieting for at least two hours and there is NO sign of us slowing down. Look out, postal workers, she’s not messin’ around.
We're gonna lose 20 pounds AND get a post office box! It's our right as citizens of the United States, is what she said. She also rasied her voice a little when she said they better not mess with her. She is clearly NOT monkeying around this mornin.
She said if they don’t give her a post office box, she’s gonna picket the post office. Right here in Clinton, SC. Susan. Marchin’ up and down the little sidewalk with a poster duct-taped to a yard stick. Looks like this is gonna be a better week that I thought. So glad somebody got her riled up. This is great. Go Susan!! I got yer back, Jack!
4:00PM
Day's shot. Over. After spending the entire day convincing the idiots working at our Mayberry Post Office that it is her God-Given RIGHT to have a post office box, Susan was DONE with her day. Toast.
To her credit, Susan DID go seek out an opportunity to exercise. She jumped in the pool and played Marco Polo with her kids. Calories burned? At least 4000 in our estimation.
We'll start fresh again tomorrow.
Susan looks like an athlete to me.
Don't y'all think??
Day Two - we are weary.
July 23, 2008
Susan hops on the scale. Weight-175. Good Lord.
Reflecting on her day yesterday, she estimates that since she burned 4,000 calories in the Marco Polo game and at least 10,000 calories in her RAGE at the post office.
Whatdja eat yesterday? I ask. Her response: "Are you kidding me - 5000 calories probably." I advise her to make SURE she eats enough to fuel her rages and not to cut calories too drastically. Then, I ask her what her exercise plan is today, keeping in mind that she really over-did it yesterday.
Look out, girls. Susan's gonna sling a Kettle Bell around. She bought this gadget, of course, because she doesn't like my plan. Jane Fonda Step Aerobics. No, I'm not kidding. It's served me well since 1989. I fluff my hair, slip on my leg warmers & tell my kids to clear out of the den. Mama's gettin' fit.
Back to Susan and the deadly Kettle Bell. Have ya seen this thing? It's for people who are SERIOUS about their fitness. Folks like Susan.
By the way, she fully expects to dislocate her shoulder, causing her to be sent to bed for the next month eating ice cream and watchin' tv. Which, between me and you, I think would make her happy.
Me? I'm going to go crank up my VCR player. (No, DVDs didn't exist when Jane and her crew produced my video. Leave me alone. No judgements here, remember?) I'll check on Susan later and make sure that she doesn't knock herself out with her new toy.
Go Susan!! (not really her, she's going to use this picture as inspiration, though. You probably will, too.)
Susan Tallman. Kettle-Bell-Slinger
Mary's philosophy: Why monkey with a good thing?
...and the weeks roll on....
August 5, 2008
Weight 173. Woooooo Hooooooo!! Our girl has lost two pounds! TWO POUNDS! 2!! OK, OK, she thinks she may have leaned 1/4 inch to the left on her $5 Fred's Scale,,, but still.
Susan is requesting a gold medal for the fact that she has not yet consumed a Coke today. It's 4:44PM!! This is major, people. MAJOR. 'Round here, that is, in fact, worth a gold medal.
Speakin' of which, how 'bout the 40 year old swimmer! Ain't that somethin'? At first Susan was pissed off - all rantin' and ravin'. "How dare she make it look so easy and make us 'normal' women look so lazy?" she demanded.
But then, she said to herself, "Self, you are 40! You could look like that!" New plan. Susan won't HATE the swimmer, she will STALK the swimmer. Her plan? She's gonna email her and ask her Tracie's favorite questions...."So, what are you doing? What EXACTLY are you eating?" Susan has decided that her new friendship with the Olympic Swimmer lady will help her focus. (They don't have restraining orders in China, do they? Just checkin')
Oh, and after POURING out her gratitude to me, (Mary, her record-keeper, her
biographer, her blogger, her friend) Susan would like to send her many thanks for
those of you who have checked in after not checking in for years.
She is absolutely THRILLED to have you stop by!! Now is the perfect time!
Come watch Susan get in shape! Watch her go from husky to hot, right before your
very eyes! Step right up!
I think her favorite thing of all is when old high school friends stop by and think back to the days when she was anorexic and pitiful. Now she's healthy. Big boned. Husky.
But, hey...don't forget peeps, Susan is 5'11'.. a frickin' giant - so 175 is not that bad. If you keep saying it 175, 175, 175...the shock wears off and you get used to it. And now that she's down to 173, well, bless her heart, she's WASTING AWAY!!!!
ANYWAY,,,, Susan is really just fufilling her destiny. I mean, what can we expect when her doctor DIAGNOSED her as HUSKY and gave her mom a PRESCRIPTION for CHEEZ WHIZ!!?!?!??? No kiddin. This has GOT to be the funniest thing we've ever come across. It's not a joke. This is an ACTUAL FACTUAL artifact from 1968. Check it out:
Baby Susan. Awwwww. So sweet. So husky.
What to do?
Feed her potatoes and cheese.
What kind of cheese? WHIZ of course! OH, and let's not overlook the "Phila" - which is the very BUILDING BLOCK of all our favorite Cream-Cheese-Based-Snack products!!!
This doctor was a GENIUS! (ok, we'll overlook the fact that he couldn't spell potato properly - he was just distracted by his precious husky little patient and his daydreams of Cheez Whiz and Cream-Cheese-Based-Snacks - we totally understand.)
GO Dr. Belt!!
August 8, 2008. Ha! 8/8/08 - SO many eights! How 'bout that!?
OK, scuze me. Can I please talk about me for a second? I know you are here to support the husky one. But if you'll pardon me, please, I'd like you to focus on the pear-shaped one for just one little moment of your busy life. Got a minute?
Y'all would not BELIEVE how hard my life is. Seriously. Let's list my
problems:
For starters, unfortunately for me, my sister-in-law (who I love dearly) is
a 5'10" exercise-addicted, blonde-haired, healthy-eatin' supermodel & I
have to hang out on the beach beside her for a week every single summer
in a BATHING SUIT. Last week was the big week. Doesn't that sound like
an incredibly relaxing vacation with the family? Bless my heart.
In a weak moment last Monday, I asked her to help me look more like her and less like a pear. She sweetly agreed and commenced kickin' my butt via a series of torturous exercises designed to kill people. She morphed into a sadistic killin' machine right before my very eyes, y'all.
We lunged, we squated, and holy crap, we RAN. Also, we ate whole wheat products and low fat cottage cheese. Can y'all feel my pain? Upon reflection, I've decided that perhaps my 1989 Jane Fonda tape ain't cuttin' it anymore. Just perhaps.
And then there's Tracie. Sweet lil' Miss Tracie. She says stuff like, "I don't care how skinny I am, I just want to be HEALTHY." Mumbo-jumbo like that. Mmmmm Hmmmm. That's right. Looney as a tune, I tell ya.
She invited me and Susan to lunch today. We'll eat a
salad, she said. We'll eat a nice healthy salad! It will
be yummy & delicious, and I'll bring my own dressing,
she said. She is THAT serious, people. She is
SERIOUSLY serious. I mean, COME ON - Susan and
I obviously don't have a prayer. For one thing, lettuce
is lettuce. It is not delicious and it is not yummy. It is
lettuce. At BEST, it tastes like dirt. And secondly,
people who bring their own salad dressing annoy the
hell out of everyone. Y'all know I'm right.
At one point during lunch, we all passed around a
basket of muffins. Tracie took a muffin with no butter
and passed the basket to me. I took a muffin top with
no butter and passed the basket to Susan. Susan
looked at us both like we were insane and grabbed a
muffin, a big old dollop of butter and slapped it in her
mouth to make a point. Good grief.
After the muffin fiasco, Susan had a question for Tracie.
Her question was, "Does chicken have calories?". She
honestly didn't know. She is so new to this. Bless her
heart. We have so much to teach her.
We try not to be competitive, really we do. We're
FRIENDS, for cryin' out loud. We LOVE each other.
We don't want to WIN. It's all about supporting our
comrades in our quest for good health, right?
It's just that my life is so incredibly hard, people. It's just
hard. OK? OK. Enough about the pear shaped one.
Back to our regularly scheduled support of the husky one.
Thank you for listening.
Wednesday, August 13th
OK. Sorry. I have an announcement to make. Tracie does not have an eating disorder. I just like to make fun of her to pass the time. Another fun way to make fun of Tracie is to talk about her "Cap'n Crunch" face. This is the face she makes when she tells me my tea is "nasty" or that her husband's favorite breakfast cereal is "disgusting". Isn't she sweet as pie? So precious.
Tracie brings her own dressing to put on the yummy lettuce. A cry for help? You decide.
Look, Tracie! Yummy!
Ray loves his Cap'n Crunch, no matter what she says.
Now, let's return our focus to Susan where it belongs.
She has lost FIVE pounds!!! FIVE POUNDS!!!! FIVE POUNDS!!! And there's MORE!
In her pursuit of excellent nutrition, she hasn't had a single cup of coffee in FIVE days! (Interestingly enough, after spending the entire day today with eight kids watching a movie about a chimpanzee, she is considering going off the wagon and brewing a pot right now, at 5:30pm like all the other old ladies do. Wonder why she would need a lil' pick-me-up after a day with all those young 'uns.... hmmm.... can't imagine.)
She would like to report that her physical fitness program is lacking a tiny bit, although she did attend a very difficult workout with Perrin. She pulled several muscles, which is to be expected. That's why they make Advil.
Nevertheless, we are all VERY excited about her commitment to health and fitness and we would all like to encourage her to continue along this path.
GO SUSAN!! (also, GO TRACIE!! and GO ME!!) We are DETERMINED, I tell ya.
So you're tellin' me that I can't put butter on my muffin, that chicken has calories, and that Coke isn't good for me? This dieting stuff is for the BIRDS, girls!
Poor Susan. It's sad to watch someone's innocence shatter right before your very eyes.
Tracie may not have an eating disorder, but she IS a cereal snob and I'm not taking that back.
January 1, 2010
Is a journal still a journal if a year and a half goes by between entries? Well. OK. Guess not. Whatever. We're gonna ramble on.... call it what you want.
SO many developments in our never-ending quest for health and weight loss. You wouldn't believe how far we've come. Susan has joined CrossFit, a cult full of crazy people around here who work out without air conditioning and get all giddy about it.
I lost 20 pounds. Then, I gained 15 pounds. How good are you at math?
Susan continues to get taller and skinnier. She looks like a model. Mary continues to get older & fatter. She more closely resembles a pear every day. BUT it IS a new year, right? That means new beginnings! Anything's possible! Go Mary!
I can't join the CrossFit people. I know they are gettin' skinny and healthy.. I KNOW that. I see them. But I just can't. I simply can't. It's somethin' about the way they talk about doin' 600 squats and lunges with a maniac smile on their faces and walk around like they're sore all the time. Swallowin' Advil by the fistful. I just can't.
And as tempted as I am to pull out Ole Reliable, I don't think Jane Fonda is exactly cuttin' it anymore either. So what is the plan, you say. What EXACTLY do you plan to do, Fatty? You are not wasting away, in case you haven't noticed. You are NOT wasting away.
Hell. I don't know. Just stay tuned. Gimme a little time, please. I can't make these snap decisions. Don't rush me. I'll get right back to ya. Sheesh.
"You can do it, Mary!! You don't have to be so fat!!" Mary's mom has always been a great encourager.
